today talked damn long with my sheefoo dian feng, hmm felt damn good to talk to someone with the same mindset, i don't know what i should do now..

not quite sure why, but i am unable to trust anybody now. constantly watching my back, trying to please everybody, apologizing all the time, it is very frustrating! not able to vent my frustrations properly because i have to be a 'professional', i'm in a total wreck.

so basically to sum up the september holidays (which i spent almost everyday in school/mugging), it was fun!

studying with friends really do help, the pressure and the intensity, though most of the time i'm the one disrupting the entire mugging atmosphere. so far so good, completed most of the revision packages, practiced math, writing essays blah blah blah. two more weeks to the final exams (and i'm off to touching my ps2 after 8 months)

seriously, God has been good to me. i wasn't sick nor was i late for the entire term (rejoice! rejoice!) friends are blessings(sometimes in disguises) sufficient rest after spending an entire day to sleep, finished SPA in personal record breaking time..

realised that LSE is really expensive, and on the contrary, US colleges are much cheaper. shall leave it to God to decide where i will study, and for the meantime, study hard!

sidenote: i have saved 400 dollars -cough- did anybody else save? -cough- pray that i can save enough to go deutschland again~

cronyism - i learnt a new word today!

“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.” - theodore roosevelt

yeah promotional exams are around the corner and i don't feel the slightest tinge of excitement. got to work even harder if i am to get even better grades, shall use willpower to get rid of any thought of exhaustion or tiredness. i will not give myself any more reasons to procrastinate even further, will not complain of weariness, will not stop trying until my exams are over.

'remember the titans' is truly, the most inspirational movie i have ever seen. what never fails to amaze is the strong bonds that were forged throughout the movie (if only i can be a catalyst and help the choir to forge such strong bonds)

attitude reflects leadership. one of the several learning points from the movie. yeah, i can still work on my attitude.

but for now, i want to take a deserved break.

sure had my fair share of happiness for today even though i have not slept for more than 24 hours (and still counting) played frisbee with the arts class students, which are amusing in more ways than one, made new friends but not too sure how to spell their names though.

choir has officially ended on friday, dinner with the choristers was especially fun, talking with the ip2s made me feel young.

i need to see a psychologist over my ability to not sleep, and go to national skin centre to check on my skin infection (which has spread to my other leg)

very stressed, but what can i do? if only time could be a commodity.

Had a fruitful day with my class on friday, went out for sushi buffet which was extremely filling and laughing throughout lunch made everybody’s stomach uneasy. It has got to be one of the better times I had with my class, other than the BBQ and the class chalet, and I really enjoyed every minute with them. Many thanks to those who went (shujen, amanda, huiting, davina, lakshmi, cheokwing, tingzhi, liyana, rachel, ms tay) because they really made my day!

I feel this false sense of security at home, things may erupt at improbable times, and nothing seems to come good under my roof. Sometimes I just yearn not just for a home where there is food and shelter, but maybe a little less frustration, a little less anger, a little less uneasiness. I’m considering finding a new place to set my mind for the upcoming promotional exams, but the best place I’ve found is the choir store.

Just had a family gathering yesterday evening, which I must say was quite successful. No prior preparations were made, but everything just fell into place today (hallelujah!), it was great catching up with everybody and all. While visiting my relatives (one of whom unfortunately contracted Parkinson’s Disease), I was aware that they were suffering in silence, yet I couldn’t bring myself to tell them how much I love them, and if there was anything that I could do to help them, I would.

I’m frustrated with the current family problems that I need to handle, but I know that there are some things even your closest friend would not be able to render help. Sometimes, it’s just you and God.

Listening to S Club for the moment, though it may sounds gay, but perhaps they are the only pop group that sings happy songs. And that’s what I really need right now.

So to sum up everything, national day holidays were full of mixed reactions. Well, at least i completed my essay, journey and pw written report (at least for my part), shall study my scores later.

Currently taking a few minutes off to blog, I don’t really have much time to spare now considering the amount of workload I have on my hands.

I was scoffed at for being nice to people who would never appreciate whatever I do, claiming that I am stupid enough to help them. But fact is, I truly enjoy helping people (though sometimes my help isn’t really needed).

Like what I’ve said to some people, everybody has a place in my heart, and it does not matter if I am not in theirs. In fact, I have done nothing to merit one in the first place.

Some words cut deeper than any sword ever could, some wounds never heal. I shall not touch too much on this.

On the lighter side of life, things are going fine, this includes jen joining me for H3 lectures (yay, finally somebody from my civics class), and sushi buffet with my class at the end of the week is giving me some extra impetus to finish my work. I will be trying to aim for HSSRP; hopefully I can meet all the criteria needed but I shall pray for directions first.

Too tired to actually do anything right now, spent the night rushing nwc for the choir. I recently thought, what if all that I’ve built in a year comes undone in a week (not that surprising), what would be my reaction.

I have been too distant with many people (or so they say), notably fruits basket (choir groupie) who claim that I have been talking a lot lesser for the past few weeks. Well, I have to maintain other relationships, forge new bonds with other people, and sometimes the novelty wears off after spending too much time with a same group of people.

Speaking of which, it recently came into my mind about the Italy trip, reminiscing some of the moments then, the words by Ms Lim. I realized that I spent quite some time talking to her during the trip, at the i.e. restaurant, hotel, rehearsal, petrol station, competition, flight.

‘Learn how to let go’ I think that was the focal point of what she tried to convey to me. But certainly, she didn’t meant letting go of emotions (which I am really good at, and need help to keep it in). After the results were announced, that we did not make it to the final, I remember taking it so hard on myself, entering a sudden trance of depression for a few months. I questioned myself and others about my capability, became a true self-defeatist, sitting at the balcony and asking God whether I had done enough.

I guess there a few lessons to be learnt from the trip.

Indeed, letting go of things is tough, but adding a touch of faith and prayer, hopefully thing can smoothen out faster. Since I cannot stop time (why), I pray that I will be able to optimize my time to finish all my work.

A few people sent me a simple thank you for many reasons, which made me really happy. Sometimes, it’s the little things in life that counts.

trying to start things anew, deleted all the previous posts, trying to use this as a cover up for my personal life.

i'm truly blessed to have met some great friends this year, to have achieved a bit part of a larger dream, to maintain a steady relationship with God after coming to terms that i can never do anything alone.

maintaining friendships has been relatively easier, albeit a few hiccups here and there at the beginning of the year. sure, sometimes friendship sours (when females start ovulating) but other than that, its really nice to have a few 'hi, bye' friends, a few friends that share common interests, and one or two close friends.

choir is, umm how should i put it. its like cocktail, stress and fun added together at the same time, sometimes it tastes nice, sometimes it does not. actually, i have not tasted cocktail before, so i assume it is nice sometimes. well, i have been passed on the mantle to lead the choir, as a student conductor (what a fancy name) for the next year, doubts still linger about my own ability to bring the choir to greater heights. i'm being used as a bass/tenor/baritone, which means i have no definite section, and i need to help whichever section that needs it.

myriad of pressing issues have been on my mind recently, some require immediate attention and a whole lot of prayer to fix the problems. shall leave it to God to guide me through them.

academics-wise, its pretty okay i guess. its been fortunate that i can cope with all my subjects so far, and being accepted for H3 economics (by God's grace) which was beyond what people expected of me.

well, when it comes to things like relationships, i'm a total loser. no other can fathom how one can exchange his/her happiness for the happiness of the one he/she loves. while i admit i am a bit of a cowardice at expressing how i generally feel for someone, but its quite evident that i do not have the time to commit myself to a relationship, and obviously am not financially responsible to handle one. factor in the other possibilites that the certain 'someone' might be better off with another person (another act of cowardice and probably, denial), enough said, i'm not ready. sure, giving someone up is hard, but it may just be the right course of action.

adding to my current misery, isomnia sometimes strike at the most inappropriate of times. it lasts for a day or two, though may stretch for days even. this should explain why i function like a zombie on certain days.

my two cents on education: its shit, but i enjoy it

it's the season for change, & i got to leave my past behind.